I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
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Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I hope they boil the right one.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.