Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
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Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
m’lady
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’