“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
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Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.