Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
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Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Ok who’s got my black socks?
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.