I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
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[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.