Weighing up my bread heating options
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I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
it’s the silliest best thing