WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
You Might Also Like
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
This could be us but you eatin’
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you