Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
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someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
The Backseat Boys
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
BETRAYAL
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
this is the best day of my life
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.