Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
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I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
This is Sparta
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~