Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
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I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Pat is about to own someone
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?