shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
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A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
ok like just. call me at this point
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
greetings!
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?