Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
You Might Also Like
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out