I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
You Might Also Like
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
I have written yet another poem about laundry
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.