Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
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[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
adam and eve had first world problems
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman