I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
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Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops