What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
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My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
The point of your 20s
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.