12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
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Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.