I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
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“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing