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Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.