If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.

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I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.

She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.


The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.


I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts


I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.


How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong


Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?

Tomato: No.


[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”


“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.