Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
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Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Happy Febuary everyone!
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh