I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
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I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis