why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
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I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”