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11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
early stone age tool
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom