@rn_murse

early stone age tool

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@Book_Krazy

Me: Do you have any dreams?

Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…

Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT

@chicnlil1

Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.

Sincerely, spiders

@clichedout

if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet

@slaughthie

All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.

@AliceAvizandum

Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop

@zuza_real

bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M

@Death_Buddy

*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*

@weinerdog4life

The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.

@bartandsoul

Me: “I peed three times last night”

Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”

Me: “Getting up?”