Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
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Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨