@rn_murse
@Book_Krazy Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
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@Book_Krazy 
@chicnlil1 Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
@clichedout if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
@slaughthie All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
@AliceAvizandum Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
@zuza_real bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
@Death_Buddy *gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
@weinerdog4life The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
@bartandsoul Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
@AndyrealAl Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨