I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
You Might Also Like
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.