Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at office Halloween party]

Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards

My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.

[Tinder]

Dora: Swiper no swiping!

Swiper: Oh mannn…

Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:

7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That

Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.

Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.

ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.

DOCTOR: I meant-

ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.

I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser

Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.

Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.

Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.

Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!

Todd on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Todd? Most people love it.

Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you

Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead

“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People

[Funeral]

Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today

Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!

Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.

“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff

I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.

ME: What’s this bit here?

NURSE: …his heart

ME: Hm.

NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon

ME: My résumé says a lot of things

It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers

Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.

My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.

[ spelling bee ]

judge: your word is feeling

me: can you use it in a sentence

judge: how are you feeling

me: ok

judge: wrong

Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.

Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.

Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history

Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.

Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.