Do furries go to doctors or vets?
You Might Also Like
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Going into Monday like
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind