My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
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My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
The Friday File.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.