In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
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*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Oops
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Does it…does it take 3 days
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.