In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
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I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)