Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
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{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
lol
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.