Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
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Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.