Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
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I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Barbie gone wild
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
monday
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya