Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
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I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
Banking tips
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]