One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
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Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Sunday
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On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.