Sunday
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“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries