Sunday
You Might Also Like
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Brands during Pride
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.