Sunday
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I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
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The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
I have questions??
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Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
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Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
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You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
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