You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
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This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???