God making man in his image was the original selfie
You have tattoos and curves?
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
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If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t