perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
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the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce