My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
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Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave