Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.

My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.

I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.

It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.

I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.

*zoom meeting*

Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion

Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening

[before sex]

Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador

Her: why’s that?

Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags

[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo

Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.

I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride

I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist

A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys

“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”

Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”

Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.

[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart

My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?

Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP

“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”

[first day as waiter]

Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?

Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.

I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.

Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.

People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.

I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!

I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.

I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.

being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot

[ restaurant ]

him: how long for a table

me: about 8 feet

him: no the wait

me: ah, 90 lbs

[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.

confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”

*orders sushi for delivery*

*throws towel over aquarium*

FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same

Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.

Dr: Suture self