We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
![]()
You Might Also Like
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.
Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there