My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
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Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!