My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
![]()
You Might Also Like
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.