My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
You Might Also Like
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party