My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
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I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Intelligence is the new cleavage
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.