a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
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“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.