I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
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If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?