Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…

except when it rains.

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Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.


[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second


Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers


bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M


Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.


“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter


The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.


Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.


wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it

me: I searched the whole casino