[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
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murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
“We will wed,” I threatened
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms