“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
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Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Traveler’s camo
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.