Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
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I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]