Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
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Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
My hips? Compulsive liars.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
jesus, what did this guy do
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’