I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
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[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.